The story of our precious Amorette Elise

Richard and I experienced the loss of our first baby together on September 28, 1999. I have two beautiful healthy daughters, Nikolette, who was 10, and Allyson, who was 5, from my first marriage. Richard and I were married on June 28, 1998 and had been married 11 months when we found out we were pregnant. We were excited to be having a baby to call "Ours." Nikolette and Allyson expressed their happiness at the news and they stated that they wanted a baby brother. 

As the pregnancy progressed and we went to the monthly obstetrician appointments and getting to hear the heartbeat, we got more excited, of course.  We began thinking about how we were going to incorporate the new baby into our lives.  How we would adjust our schedules for the necessary day care.  We were looking into day care center options.  We had started talking about what we were going to do with the baby's room and how we were going to decorate.  We started paying more attention to other babies and could only imagine what our little baby would look like.  With all of those thoughts, never once did the thought of something being wrong with the baby cross our minds, at least it never crossed mine.  After all, I had two perfectly healthy children, as did so many of my friends and family. I guess I just took it for granted that the baby would be perfect and healthy, as most of us do, I'm sure. 

We were scheduled for our first ultrasound at around 21 weeks gestation. I was measuring a little smaller than I should have been for 21 weeks, but we didn't think too much of it. My first daughter was only 6 lbs. and 3 oz.. full term. We went in for the ultrasound with sheer excitement, we were going to find out what the sex of the baby was and possibly get a more exact due date, based on the size of the baby.  We never once thought beyond that, we never expected to find out something was wrong.  However, it was discovered during the ultrasound that there was something wrong, which we were told the next day by our OB when we were called to his office.  He sadly and compassionately stated that there were problems detected with the baby's heart and brain. The baby was also retaining a lot of fluid in the abdomen and on the back of the neck. There was also a lack of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby.  He didn't think the baby would survive much longer.  We were devastated and sat in disbelief, listening to the words that would change our lives forever.  We were instructed to go for more advanced testing to determine the extent of the defects.

The next day we had another ultrasound and a recommended PUBS (Percutaneous Umbilical Bloodcord Sampling) test, similar to an Amniocentesis, however, blood is taken from the umbilical cord and the results are available within 2-3 days.  The PUBS test was recommended because it would show if there were any chromosome abnormalities that could be the cause of these types of defects.  The doctor initially thought it was Trisomy 18, however, when the test results came back, it was determined and confirmed that the baby girl I was carrying had a chromosome abnormality, but it was Trisomy 13 and not Trisomy 18. The prognosis due to her heart and brain defects was very poor for the survival of the baby over the next month, much less to term and we were faced with the very difficult decision to terminate or to continue with the pregnancy. 

Trying to deal with the news that we would not have a healthy baby to love and to hold, was hard enough, but then being faced with this most difficult decision on top of it brought on the worst possible emotions and feelings you can ever imagine. We at first thought we would terminate, then we we were convinced that we would carry the baby and let nature take it's course. But finally, after a couple weeks of going back and forth with our decision we decided that it would be better for us and the baby to terminate, rather than cause any potential suffering on her part or any further emotional stress for us. We did not know from day to day whether or not she would survive and that was taking it's toll on us, on me. Just being asked every day when I was due, what I was having or seeing other pregnant women, was too much to handle. 

I was induced via oral medication, Cytotec, at home as an outpatient on Sunday afternoon, 9/26/99 and every 6 hours thereafter. There was hardly no progress by Monday afternoon, so I was admitted to the hospital at 4:00pm and given the same medication again at 7:00pm and every 4 hours thereafter, only it was being given both vaginally and orally.  I started feeling some consistent contractions around 2:00am and finally started feeling the pain around 5:30am.  I received some Morphine for the pain around 6:00am.  Even with as painful as it was, I didn't want it to end, I didn't want to face the fact that she would no longer be living inside me.  I hadn't felt her move for some time and finally asked the nurse to hook up the monitor to see if we could hear a heartbeat.  I suspected that there would be no heartbeat found and I wanted to be prepared for that.  Sure enough, the nurse, who was very kind and very sympathetic, could not find a heartbeat.  At that point, I really broke down and knew I had to come to the realization that we would never see our daughter alive.  I do think that her not surviving the birth was easier to handle than having to watch her possibly struggle during her last minutes of life.  The fact that she did not survive, also reinforces what the doctors diagnosed with her heart defect and lack of amniotic fluid, that she would probably not survive over the next month and most definitely not to term.  This, in a sense, made me feel  a little more comfortable with our decision.

After only an hour and half of really hard pain, pain which I was so grateful to be able to endure for her, our Amorette Elise, which means "little love, pledged to God," was delivered, on Tuesday morning, 9/28/99 at 7:03am.  She was about 23 weeks gestation, however, she was very small, she was only 15 oz. and 8 inches long, measuring about 17 or 18 weeks gestation, which means she had stopped growing.  We were able to spend a few precious and the most memorable hours with her and to have her baptized following the delivery, which we will be eternally grateful for.  She was more beautiful than I imagined, even with being purple, with her cleft lip and with her clubbed foot, which were the only physical external defects that she had.  She did have a large abdomen because of the fluid accumulation, as well as some fluid on her neck, but she was still as beautiful as my two previous beautiful healthy babies.

Deciding to terminate was the hardest decision we've ever had to make and ultimately to live with. However, after the feelings of guilt  have somewhat subsided we have come to the realization that it was for the best.  Although, nothing will change how hard it is to accept the deep loss that we have experienced or how hard it is to handle being without the baby we love so dearly; the baby that would finally make our new family complete, the baby we would watch grow from a baby into a young woman and who would eventually become a mother and have children of her own, it is slowly getting easier.

We are now have a new son, born on August 29, 2000, Carson Anthony Hardebeck. 

We will always love our precious Amorette and miss her, no matter how many children we are blessed with after her.

Sonya's e-mail:  sonya@hardebeck.net